Life

I debated wether to share this because I don't want people to think I'm doing this to receive attention or pity. I see this blog as my journal and it has basically been a "highlight reel". So why not write down the hard stuff we've been going through too. I know this is a common thing but it's been hard. Trevor and I had a miscarriage. Trevor and I had been trying to get pregnant for awhile. Here's the thing. Pain is relative. Just because we hadn't been trying for years and years doesn't mean that it wasn't hard for us. I think trying to have kids in general is hard emotionally. When we got pregnant we were SO happy. I told Trevor in a cute way and we were pretty giddy. We told way too many people out of excitement, which we have now learned our lesson. This pregnancy felt extremely different. I felt a lot sicker. For some reason I stopped feeling excited and felt super nervous instead. It's not unlike me to be nervous but I felt more nervous than excited. I just did not feel good about this pregnancy and I felt super guilty for feeling this way. I tried to be excited again but I just couldn't. So a few weeks later I started lightly bleeding (sorry for the TMI). For some reason I wasn't overly shocked but I was extremely sad. I looked it up and talked to a lot of people who told me it was probably normal. I got a blessing and tried to relax. Then a couple of weeks later I started bleeding more heavily. Heartbroken we went to the ER where they gave me a bunch of exams. My nurse was super frustrating and very immature. However our doctor was a tender mercy. He had experienced 2 miscarriages and his last one was only 6 months ago. He was extremely kind but very blunt and to the point which I really appreciated. He said that with that much bleeding it was unlikely I would be able to continue the pregnancy. The nurse was super frustrated with him for saying that to me but I would much rather him be honest than sugar coat anything. So a couple of hours later he came in and delivered the bad news. To be honest when I first started bleeding I pretty much knew what was going on. So when he told me, again, I wasn't overly shocked but it was still devastating to hear. After a while they released us. This isn't something you can prepare yourself for. I mean how could you? But from the first time that I started bleeding and I basically knew what was going on, I cried and grieved a lot. So when I finally had it confirmed that I was having a miscarriage it was almost reassuring to finally know, although I continued to cry and grieve. It's been hard because there are literally like 7 girls on my Facebook who are due around the time I was due so it's a little bit hard to get on Facebook. It's not that I'm not happy for them it's just hard to think that I would be around the same stage as them. I haven't gone through many hard trials so this was difficult and it will be for awhile. All I can say is that I felt my Heavenly Fathers love SO strongly. I have always known that he loves me but I got a glimpse of how much. He gave me so much comfort throughout all of this. I couldn't have done this without Him. I'm also grateful for eternal families. What a blessing it is to have that knowledge. I have received the sweetest messages from my family and friends. I felt so loved by everyone. Trevor has been my rock and has helped me so much. I didn't want to have to tell anyone so he did which I'm super grateful for. Going through this made me so much more grateful for Emma too. I've been looking at old blog posts and I'm so happy she's come into my life. I love her so much. She's such a joy to have. I know I'll get pregnant again, I just don't know when. I don't know when I'll be ready again to be honest.. But I'll get there. Like I said I know that a miscarriage is fairly common but this was just my experience with it.